Relationship Status: “It’s Complicated.”
October 13, 2009 by coachgreg38
Filed under In The Trenches
Just the other day I was looking through some Facebook profiles. You know – getting to know some of my new friends and I came across a whole boat load of “Relationship Status: It’s Complicated.”
Then I got really curious about WHY their relationships are complicated and WHY they were sharing that for all of the Facebook world to see.
Was it a cry for help or a badge of honor?
So I asked.
Through my curiosity I found each situation to be unique in many ways, however there’s ONE element that stuck out like a sore thumb. These folks weren’t being true to themselves and would rather put up with a one-sided relationship than building a relationship that was 50/50. Most of the guys I spoke with either lived with someone who they’re in love with, but the feelings weren’t mutual or they’re in a relationship and the relationship was open while one of the partners wasn’t ok with it.
I dug a little deeper by asking myself. “What makes people stay in situations or relationships that are not serving them anyone in a good way. Like a relationship where each partners inspires, motivates and knocks one another socks off?”
Your self-esteem engine needs some maintenance: You’re truly an amazing guy, but your self-esteem folded somewhere along the lines. You may be rockin’ in your careers, but for some reason, when it comes to your love life, the only think rockin’ is your hurting heart. So, begin boosting your self-esteem by sincerely asking yourself, “Is This Really What I Want?” Once you take a good look at yourself it’ll likely be a NO answer and you’ll soon realize that life is way too precious to let pass by being in painful relationships.
There’s More to it Than Meets the Eye: I know, you have your ‘”reasons” why. I’m sure you’re defending them right now. Many of these guys have woken up realizing they have been letting years pass being in an uneven relationship, but by the time they do they’re stuck in something so deep that they don’t know what to do. That’s when the messiness really starts to happen as you do everything you can to keep things from totally falling apart. Are those reasons life threatening? Will you wither up and die if you let go of a bad relationship or is it really fixable and you just don’t know how to fix it. A lot of times it’s only a matter of learning how to communicate and ask for what you need and want. That’s it!
You left along time ago: Sorry to say it but it’s true. You checked out of this relationships as soon as things got really tough and I mean tough for the 2nd, 3rd and fourth time. We’re human. We try to do what we think is best for ourselves and our partner and part of that might be that you settle to much.
Well, guys, it’s time to take some personal inventory and either really take a good look and see if your relationship can flourish or needs to close. I know you are defending your man or your “reasons” why, but the bottom line is, if It’s broken, you better damn well try to fix it or get a new one. Get support, talk to friends and seek professional advice before you make any decision. Ultimately, start looking out for numero uno, YOU – because you’re worth it. And no, it has nothing to do with being a Cover Girl either ; )
Until next time…
Your friend,
Greg Halpen
Thanks Greg. Your observations are astute. I think people are scared, and that’s why “settling” for something less than 50/50 seems like a good idea. Learning to step into our power and ask for what we want is hard for many of us – I would say its often a life challenge! As queer people, I don’t know if it was ever safe to be completely authentic and ask for what we truly want – or to believe we deserve it. I think once these issues are sorted – or at least recognized, then we don’t bring them into our relationships as strongly.
peace,
Jade
ps. I do echo that “it’s complicated” is a cry for help. I’ve been there.
Hi Greg,
Just read about this whole “Complicated Relationship status. Long story short, I just started dating one of my co-workers a week ago and I feel that she or I don’t know what to do. I have faith in this relationship yet I don’t want to give up on her or myself. I am aware that it’s a lack of communication, but something else isn’t there. Any solutions?
Sincerely,
Reg
Hey, Reg..
Thanks for your message. First, Can you provide more information? What do you think is the “something else” that might not be there? Also, take it slow, buddy. You’ve been dating for only a week and that is way too soon to even be giving a title to what it is. Neither of you know. Nor do you need to know, yet. You are simply getting to know each other. Take this time to explore each others world with out having to peg what the relationship is and all the answers with surface.
Thanks Greg! Very very very good article here! the part “You left along time ago” is the truth. I know and trying to heal from it as we speak. But what strikes me is the part where my “inner” self can’t let go or there is a too strong of a connection between the two that is beyond love.. well of course there is more than that.. love is not there but other things in life.. you know financial issues that keep people bonded for no good reasons.
So for the past few months of my “unhappy” situation.. I’ve tried many avenues to get it fixed or to fix both of our lives by leaving on a happy note. Meaning, we are in agreement that we are both not happy together and need to move on and no more pointing fingers as to “who-did-what-how-you-did-that-why” arguments. We have not separated yet as we both agreed on something, couples counseling.. We are going to have our first one this week and I am surprisingly excited as this is a learning curve for me and him. At the same time, closer to the end something “complicating” and ready to move to the next step.. which can be either way. But I have my mind set on which direction I want to go… (is that me being selfish?, that’s one of the biggest self battles i am dealing with in this relationship!)
I learned that you can love the person on impulse or say you love them but inside you are hurting because of something not complete. I learned that when one puts too much energy into the relationship it becomes annoyance to the other party. What hurts the most is when the other person shuts down and does not respond in a communication dispute and causes an outbreak of hurtful things to say to each other which opens those trenches more.
For me, I like to show love and be truthful in life when im with someone and be proud of my partner. Those needs are not satisfied at all and I am even embarrassed to put on my facebook “in a relationship” just because of my situation and pride.
I know what I want, I know everyone is not perfect, Mr. Perfect is not there from the first guy that contacts me or gives me the nod and wink at the bar…
anyways.. im just blah blah blah blah on here, so im almost done…
Talking to friends help but can bite you in the ass as it is usually seen from a one sided perspective and can seem unfair to the other party. Breaking down the wall and agreeing on something is the first big step here.. again, the outcome can come be single or in relationship. But I am trying to get a positive outcome out of it that we both can walk away from and agree on something for once instead leaving that big trench between the two.
thanks Greg..
But i thought I would share whats on my mind when i read this.
it all comes down to being truthful to each other and communicating and respecting each other.