Makes you blush. ; )

Then when you think about approaching him your monkey mind does everything in its power to convince you to hold back and not go over to him, or even think about leaving all together?

Or you’re the perpetual nervous and shy ‘Wall Flower’ standing against the wall alone and you fold, clam up, or pack up and leave every time someone approaches you?

What would it be like to be a self-starter?

When you create that easy and flowing connection between you and that other guy it opens up the channels for more, and more communication.

A reciprocation of energy.

Guys? I’ve been there, trust me. Actually I stuttered and got cold sweats every time someone approached me, let alone never thought about approaching someone else to start a conversation.

I would do anything and everything just to leave and avoid conversations with guys. I would even create a way to duck out. Completely unnoticed.

Maybe you’ve thought about approaching some really big challenges in your life like when it comes to meeting men. Like getting out more, changing how you’re meeting men or how you settle when it comes the guys you’re meeting, but every time you make any attempts, you fold and give up.

Well, there is something quite transformational and super life shifting when you can take any kind of opportunity and say YES to it now no matter how scary or threatening it may feel.

Quite truthfully, by saying YES, this creates an incredible ripple effect in other areas of your life. It really loosens things up so to speak.

The best way I can describe this to you is through my own life example. With the energy of a new year and all of the possibilities it brings, I was confronted with my heart whispering to me over and over again: You’re Hiding.

I could have either let it go, ignore that voice, or choose to listen and really hear what my heart meant, and was telling me, by that ongoing thought: You’re Hiding.

I chose to listen and explore. As scary as it was, I did it.  It’s OK. I’m going to clear something up for you. We are not born effective communicators or studs or great conversationalists. It’s a skill.

A skill that needs to be developed and honed. It’s absolutely doable at any age in one’s life.

Start getting curious at where it is in your life you might be hiding when it comes to meeting guys, dating and talking to men. Is there one thing you can do right NOW, like, let’s say, approach one guy this week and simply start a conversation with him? Do some research and Find out where the kind of guys you want to date, hang out.

Your friend,

Greg Halpen

www.TheGayGuysLoveCoach.com

I needed to pump up my life, my coaching and my business in a uniquely profound way. I mean,
my life is pretty darn amazing, I have to admit. I wake up EVERY morning with the zest of life, ready to face what the day has in store with me.

I walk throughout my day with an air of freedom and confidence that totally blows ME away. I’m dating some really amazing men who fit the vision I have created for my ideal Mr. Right! It’s happening.

So guys, as you begin the New Year in your love life, do you have a theme or a direction
for your life planned out? I’ve decided to do this annually and it makes a huge difference in my own life focus and with the clients that I work with.

This year, is the year of Profound Visibility.

One thing I know about myself is, that, I was a person who hid a lot. No matter what I thought I was doing in my life to shine and that even includes the men I’ve taught along the way, I was still hiding.

Then I realized something quite chilling. Guys, if I want to make important positive differences in the lives of more single gay men, and really, the world – I mean in a profound way, I needed to really look at where was hiding in my life.

Well, to give you an example of what I mean, here are some ways I’m increasing my Profound Visibility.

1. I am coming out of the closet as a Zen practitioner. For some reason, somewhere in my sometimes thinking monkey mind,  I created the belief that my subscribers would unsubscribe and  clients would run for the hills if I infused my Zen work into the  ‘single gay guy’ work that I do. I found it’s the total opposite reaction. In fact, most guys are drawn to this kind of work.

So, suffice it to say I will be mixing in Zen lessons into the work that I do; a more modern approach, that’s fun and exciting.

2. I am ditching the podcast, for now, and will do special Life Shift Videos and what that means is, I will produce short  videos teaching you exactly what you can do make HUGE profound shifts in your thinking and belief systems around love.

3. Collaborate with some of the top experts in the field of dating, relationships, healing and Zen. I want to unveil my heart and open up to more people who have already made amazing positive differences in the world.  I want to reach in and help them spread their amazing life’s work.

4. Kicking up my spiritual practicing by becoming a student of Zen in Syracuse, NY. There is a beautiful Zendo in the small city I live in. I’ve already been in contact with the Roshi there,  and it looks like I will be starting soon. I’m pretty excited!

5. The ever so brilliant speaker within. I am launching my speaker self out into the world. I must be totally honest with you and humbly say that even though the men I work with one-to-one rant and rave about my teachings, getting up in front of hundreds of guys kinda pulls at my anxiety strings. But like the force that I am, I’m always willing to take on and master a new challenge.

Those are some of the ways that I am stepping out into the light to allow who I am to be visible.

Most importantly, as the year progresses, I will be making some amazing changes to the structure of my coaching practice and  programs, so you will be able to interact more with the website.

The Gay Guy’s Love Coach Bottom Line: 2010 is my year of Profound Visibility and I am committed to stepping out on the front line to help my subscribers and clients thrive, not only in LOVE, but in LIFE!

What are YOU going to do to become more visible in the world and importantly in the world of LOVE?

Until next time…

All the best for Profound Visibility in 2010!

Your friend,

Greg Halpen
www.TheGayGuysLoveCoach.com

]]> http://www.thegayguyslovecoach.com/home/2010/01/2010-the-year-of-profound-visibility/feed/ 11 http://www.thegayguyslovecoach.com/home/2010/01/5-clues-to-why-you-are-settling-when-it-comes-to-love/ http://www.thegayguyslovecoach.com/home/2010/01/5-clues-to-why-you-are-settling-when-it-comes-to-love/#comments Wed, 06 Jan 2010 14:44:29 +0000 coachgreg38 http://www.thegayguyslovecoach.com/home/?p=973 I recently spoke with a guy who claims that finding love is too hard, and with a *sigh*, he said, “I’ll have to resort to escorts.” Now, he was joking about the escort, but still….that is an example of what some gay men are experiencing when it comes to falling in love – and I think sometimes it takes extreme change and awareness to finally get to the point where settling isn’t a choice anymore.

Personally, I believe you know. You know what your options are. I really think you believe in the fairytale ending too, but somewhere along the trip you’ve squashed the dream way down underneath all your pain. Sometimes you even get a glimpse of what it might look like being with a wonderful man, expressing your love, in a committed monogamous relationship, right?

Why do we settle? Well, my idea is, you settle, because you view yourself as not being good enough. Your self-esteem is low and you’ll do whatever it takes to seek the love that you desire. Now, think about this. What if I said that your self-esteem is actually very strong and all you need to do is look within and tap into that resource? I know, I’m starting to sound all woo-woo, but my point is, finding love with another person starts when you find love with in yourself.

“Would you do whatever it took to seek the love within yourself – that love which you desire from another?” – GH

Another theory I have, is when you settle, you’re working so hard at seeking acceptance from another person, that you will do almost anything to attain it, like compromise your values and requirements that are essential for a healthy relationship, but in reality, you’re really trying to accept yourself – for who you are -you just don’t know it yet.

Take a moment, clear some space in your day, sit down and start getting curious about where you might be settling in your life? Does your job’s salary not match your talents and dedication? Does your boyfriend play around with other men; you’re accepting of it, when deep down inside, it’s not ok. Are you putting off starting your own business, because you think it’s just a pipe dream and you’ll never do it for whatever reason?

5 Clues To Why You Are Settling

Now it’s time to take a stance, and tell yourself that you are done settling; all done. I believe in you. Well, let me give you 5 Clues to Why You’re Settling. They will help you recognize when it’s happening, so you can say, I’m Done!

1. You’ve claimed the, “I’m always meeting the wrong guy”, Ticket. Actually, you meet so many “wrong guys” that, from here on out you will continue to do so until you start recognizing what is so off about the men you meet. Importantly, what’s going on in yourself to attract men, who are not up to your standards?

After all, we attract who we are.

2.You’ve designed the perfect man (in your head) and when you go out and try to find him, you blame the world that there aren’t any good men left. Guys, let’s face it. We’re guys and for the most part, when we envision the man we want to spend our days with, we can go little above and beyond what’s truly realistic.

Take a deep and close look at the man of your dreams and check in to see if it’s based on reality or a yearning or an feeling of emptiness.

3.You’re not over your last relationship. So, you’re with someone new and you thought you’ve found Mr. Right again, but after some time, you start comparing it to your last relationship, because you believed he was your one true love. Your current partner is sensing that and is starting to pull away from you, because he sees you are not in it 100%. Just know you can fall in love many times over. Each time is true and first. Stop settling by believing that you will never find true love again…you will.

4. I’m moody and that’s just the way I am. Well, how many guys have been put off by your mood swings? Remember, you are not your moods and you might want to do some self-reflecting to begin to understand why it is you’re so hostile. Stop settling, by not living your life in anger and pain and start releasing whatever emotional turmoil you are going through. You and everyone around you will love you for it.

5. You haven’t loved the wounded little boy enough. Do you cringe when you think about being around other gay guys? You walk you walk into a room filled with gay men, and you panic and become anxious. There is a reason for that, and it has nothing to do with the men in that room. It has to do with you. Once you start forming a bond with that hurt little boy inside you and start asking him what he needs, your confidence will soar.

That’s why single gay men come to me, because they are ready to commit to NOT settling anymore in any area of their lives, especially LOVE. Love is a gift, a gift we all hold, and once you can let go of the settling, you will then be able to unleash your love and be loved in return.

Greg Halpen, The Gay Guy’s Love Coach, is a recognized speaker, mentor and expert dating coach for single gay men. He takes a “heart-based” approach to teaching single gay men how to build unstoppable confidence, meet and approach men and importantly, build a strong connection with their one TRUE love…THEMSELVES.

Pass it on: Know someone who could benefit from this article or his FREE weekly Naked Truth About Dating Podcast, Newsletter and Special report? http://www.TheGayGuysLovecoach.com

I have a feeling that you’re one of the most loving and giving guys someone could ever meet.

Perhaps, being a single gay man comes with a lot of stress and anxiety. You might worry that you will never meet someone and that being alone is the most painful feeling ever.

My Spidey senses are telling me, that you want more when it comes to love. You’re just longing to fall in love, care for your man, express your deep affection, and build a terrific life together. However, your integrity around dating might be a little shaky.

So, what gives?

Speaking of Spidey senses, I want to share a little life experience with you and maybe you can relate or maybe you can’t, but if you open up your heart, you will notice the lesson in it.

Along with coaching single gay men (and now coupled), I also volunteer working with little kids a few times a week and I keenly notice how they problem solve. It’s actually very fascinating.

Without too many mind-filters, they stay with the challenge until the challenge is solved and usually with joy and determination. If they’re REALLY struggling with a conflict, they seem to move on from it with lightening speed and then forget it ever happened. Point is, they don’t judge it and they never give up.

They are geniuses, mini-brilliant problem solvers and perhaps, somewhere along the line, you’ve lost touch with that part of yourself – your little inner genius and simply gave up trying to attain that amazing love life. You see, your dating integrity is what’s going to help you stick by your values and requirements. It’s the very thread that supports how confident and grounded you are.

When the Connection Has a Glitch!

One client, who has been partnered for five years, decided to go the route of “open” relationship – his justification? Sex drive lessens the longer you stay together and they want that consistent sex. Not only that, they have a set of strict rules they follow when they each meet someone they’re having sex with. The rules are put in place, so it doesn’t go deeper than just sex.

This sounds complicated PLUS adding more opportunities for unnecessary conflict, when the couple at hand can solve the sex dilemma themselves. Make sense? Also, I wont really say it here, but they are suffering in love big time with some of their life style choices. The truth is, sexual energy with your partner will change, because the relationship changes and undergoes many stages of growth.  Actually, your sexual relationship with your partner can evolve if you know what to do.

He was actually relieved when we spoke about this, because deep down inside, he really didn’t want an open relationship and thought their was no other alternative. Today, with my help, they are exploring different ways to spice up their love life while keeping the integrity of their relationship strong.

Get The Love Ball Rolling.

Speaking of INTEGRITY, 2010 is fast approaching. What are you willing do differently in your life TODAY to change the outcomes of your dating and love efforts? I mean something HUGE, that never seems to gets past the thought process. Which means you think about it, but never put it into action.

Maybe you want to get out in the dating world more and go on fearless dates. That means being present and open to what ever possibilities might show up for you. Also, it might mean exploring different ways to meet men, like, getting involved with local gay organizations, volunteering or simply striking up a conversation with someone who catches your eye.

If You Take Small Bites You Wont Get as Full.

No matter how you slice it, Make 2010 the year you changed things in your life that needed change – like Dating Integrity. Some of my single clients are taking their “bull” by the horns and making some huge leaps in what they want to do differently for 2010. I mean, HUGE! One client is leaving his J-O-B to go into web design business for himself. He wants to step up his dating integrity by making one of his dreams come true by not working for someone else. ever again.

In a last session, a client discovered why he was settling in love and decided that he wasn’t going to hide anymore behind his limiting beliefs about being gay, and is putting himself out there in ways, that would usually paralyze him. It all had to do with a decision he forgot he made when he was a kid. A decision that stemmed from a tragic moment in his young life.

He’s doing INCREDIBLE things now!

Need help clarifying what it is YOU want to attract next year? Your love life, for starters, might need some major attention and the only way you’ll make huge leaps is to pay attention to the areas of your life that aren’t working anymore. For more information about the course that is changing the lives of many a single gay guy, go here Bootcamps. Next Bootcamp Starts January 23rd and just for signing up I will give you a complimentary Dating Integrity Session.
Remember, dating integrity starts with YOU!

Greg Halpen

Guys, I’m sure by now you’ve reached the end of your limit with all of the pressure to follow through with making 2010 a better year for your life.

The problem is, the higher the expectation, the more pressure there is to perform and following through with making 2010 your best year in love. And when you don’t follow through there’s some self-butt kicking, right?

Does that sound like you?

That is the biggest reason why you don’t follow through with the promises you make for the coming year. Hey, maybe you focus so much on the fact that you’ve tried your darnedest to find Mr. Wonderful and settle down. You’ve put yourself on the line so many times (more times than you care to count) only to get let down once again- that you’ve become, perhaps…a little jaded?

It’s ok. You can admit it. Really, it’s ok.

I used to be as jaded as they come. Oh, sure, my exterior showed a happy-go-lucky kid, but what lurked deep down inside would make you crawl under a rock and never come out. Gratefully today, I am that happy-go-lucky kid I was meant to be. The kid who was always there waiting to shine.

Well, guys, you know you can have more for yourself when it comes to falling in love? You can have your cake and eat it too when it comes to building a life with the guy of your dreams? AND I know you can’t help making those new year resolutions, because it’s a way to keep you accountable for bettering your life. Hey, it’s ok – nothing wrong with that!

What will make it easier for you to fulfill your promises?

Ok, to help you out in a big way, a loving way, I am going to share with you Three HUGE Secrets with Tips that will help you let go of expectations and REALLY make 2010 your absolute best year ever in life and LOVE.

You’ll certainly want to apply these strategies in your life right away, because I even give you examples of how to implement them, and taking such action will start to melt away the pressure to be perfect.

1. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Start with ONE significant change that you would like to see happen in your love life and map it out in small portions.

Tip: Maybe you want to acquire a more positive attitude around dating. So, a small step might look like taking a good look at how you view dating and relationships and write about it OR that might mean taking my Single Gay Guy’s Dating Integrity Bootcamp where you’ll get personal attention and support with changing your attitude towards love and relationships.

Maybe you want to take a different approach to how you are meeting men. Get better at starting and engaging in conversations with men. If your excuse is, “your too shy”, you are doing yourself a disservice by not taking the action necessary to help you bust out of your cocoon by showing the world who you are.

Bonus Tip: If you are using online dating sites, it might be time to change sites, update your picture and make sure that you are conveying the real YOU in your written profile. There are many great sites out there with great integrity and a clean clear message that there is more to this dating thing. If you are serious about getting steady in love GetSteady.com is the place to do it..

2. Promise every day, not just at the end of every year. Make each day about doing the best you can to contribute greatness to your life. Doing one simple action each day brings you closer to your dreams and goals as a single gay man who is READY for love.

Tip: This might look like writing in a journal each night before you go to bed. Write down all the things you are grateful for that day. Or it might look like making changes to your financials by clearing away debt and getting support to help you do that. There is nothing more relationship attractive than being financially sound. Can’t you feel the anxiety melt away?

Bonus tip: Choose a charity organization that resonates with you and volunteer your time in any capacity. Go into it with out expectations or hoping for anything in return. By opening up your heart you will really get the the greatness factor rolling in your your life. If you can’t find a charity, maybe there is friend or someone you know of who could use a little support. Example: There is a friend of mine with three beautiful children. She’s also going to school full time. It’s not easy for a single mother to try and balance everything. Sometimes they need a break or a reprieve from their day to day. So, I offer myself as a babysitter anytime she needs me and that works with my schedule. This makes a HUGE difference in her life.

3. Ease up on the punches. We all beat up on ourselves once in a while. BUT, haven’t you knocked yourself around just a little too much? Are you emotionally blaming yourself for all the mistakes you’ve made in love? SO, put the gloves away and start softening the blows by introducing the idea that they weren’t mistakes, but valuable lessons.

Tip: Maybe there is a past relationship that still needs healing. If it’s in your power, and most times it is, take steps to make amends. First,  start by forgiving yourself. You did the best you could with the tools you had. Then, write him a letter. It doesn’t mean that you have to mail the letter- this will start the process of opening up and letting go.

Go ahead and make 2010 the year you met your match and fell in love. Also, make it the year when you ease up on the pressure to be a perfect single.

Doesn’t sound like I was resting much, does it?

Well, from college classes, to preschool work, to helping single gay men fine tune their dating and life challenges, AND taking my coaching practice to a whole new level for 2010, all things I am passionate about – this was supposed to be my day to rest, reload and recharge.

But I still wasn’t resting. Now, this is where you notice a theme…

I mean, we have our jobs, our careers, volunteer work, own a businesses, families, hobbies, the gym and our own personal conflicts that show up from time to time. We have health problems, emotional challenges and financial worries.

Wouldn’t you like to just turn it off for a day? Close down your thinking shop for a much needed rest?

I mean, REALLY, turn it off…

Let me ask you, what would your life look like, right now, if you could take a small break; a short reprieve from your day to day life, on a day to day basis?

You’re probably in shock right now RECLAIMING your belief that, it’s IMPOSSIBLE!  “I take vacations,” you shout!

I know. You take a much needed vacation from your hectic life. You take vacations, but are you really resting? You’re touring, eating out and seeing the sites. You make a huge list of stuff to do on vacation. THE LIST – the list that helps you get organized, yet, at the same time holds you to enormous pressure to get it ALL done!

We never seem to escape those to do lists, right? I hear lots of people say that they could use a vacation from their vacation. No matter how hard we try to take a break, we’re not breaking where it really counts.

Besides, we take a week or two off, to “rest” and its back to the same grind. So, where’s the time for dating and networking to meet eligible men, and is there a way to bring a micro-vacations to your everyday life?

What I’m getting at, is about carving out a niche each day. Maybe to write in a journal (good time to start one), meditate, spend time in the park walking your dog, going hiking – doing something where you can be with your thoughts and breathe. Breathe, dammit, breathe!

When the roses stop growing.

I know, it’s easy to get caught up in life’s “stuff “and completely forget about smelling the roses – they do smell amazing – they do! When you DO stop to smell the roses, you’re still texting, talking on the cell phone, thinking about the argument you had a week ago, what you’re having for dinner and what it be like to have a boyfriend. I do it all the time, but what I don’t do is forget what it takes to turn it off and seek joy in the stillness of it all- it makes a world of difference.

We are constantly recycling thoughts.

As you know, I help single gay men discover their life’s purpose as well helping them heal from emotional pain. The work is rewarding, and the guys I help, walk away with a new lease on life and love. It blows my mind.

Yes, my title is Dating Expert, however, let’s face it, I can give you all the valuable advice, tips and secrets to meeting your true love, but if you are not loving yourself FIRST, the tools I offer, aren’t going to help you too much. Make sense?

The first step to loving yourself is taking a break. Clearing away the things in your life that are taking up room and things that you are not 100% passionate about. Know you have a choice. You have a choice to go from “I don’t know why I am meeting the same guys and going on bad dates to I am attracting the men I want to date into my life and dating has never been so fun as it is NOW!”

Live, laugh, REST!

Your friend,

Greg Halpen

The Gay Guy’s Love Coach

We walk through our day whining about how the day is going to be awful, and it all began during the tragic moment when you stubbed your toe on the way to the bathroom to brush your teeth; whoops out of toothpaste. Son of a @#$!

For example I work with a woman, who on a daily basis, lives on the stage of conflict by intense complaining and what almost seems like boasting about her mysterious maladies. Nothing is right, the weather is never perfect and her health seems to never be good. It’s as if she is creating her own afflictions.

Along our human development, we’ve lost the innocence and pure joy we once had as little kids. Have you ever watched a child play in the park? Ever have a conversation with a 4 year old about all the silly words they can create? They are the most truthful and joyful beings you’ll ever come across.  Everything to them is serious and at the same time joyful. Even conflict doesn’t last in their cute little hearts.

Well, in YOUR cute little heart still lives the spirit of that child you once were, and you too can regain that innocence and joy that once lived consistently in your heart. YOU, under all the grievances, are actually pure joy, love and sexiness.

Do you know someone or have you been with someone who can walk into a room and drain the life force out of it? Notice how the energy shifts and the whole experience leaves you feeling exhausted?  Sometimes you can’t even get two words in edge-wise. Are you guilty of the same actions? Well, here are 3 Thoughtful Strategies that you can use NOW to help you  become a better communicator.

1. Ask First, Talk Later. Think about what you want to vent about first then venting by permission. Venting by Permission is actually a healthy way of clearing your mind and sorting out some confusion while not suffocating someone else with your intense energy. Ask first, talk later.
2. It’s not your responsibility to be a care-giver to a complainer. When someone does something that makes you upset, it’s important to use your words and let them know how it made you feel, but if it’s a constant occurrence, it is not your duty to keep after them. It’s exhausting work keeping up with a nagging Nellie.
3. Carve out a path for yourself and call it, My Greatness Path and start exploring the things that make you, you – what makes you great and what can you do to make yourself even greater. The first step towards honing your greatness is by resolving some of those inner conflicts that have taken refuge in your heart.

So, do what you can to enable the humor factor in your life. Laugh, Laugh and Laugh some more. Oh and keep on laughing!  Grab my FREE weekly Naked Truth About Dating Podcast, Newsletter and Special report. http://www.TheGayGuysLovecoach.com

Why is it, that, in such an enormous city where culture and expression thrive, love and quality men are hard to find? At least that’s what hundreds of gay men who live there are telling me. Did I miss the memo or did a UFO suddenly beam up all of the quality men for some “probing” research?

Have they become an extinct species?

Well, I am here to tell you, the only thing that’s become extinct is your intuition and your innate ability to seek joy, both essential for dating and relating success. Somehow through your rugged journey of bad dates and relationships; you’ve lost the ability to listen to your gut and paying more attention to your thoughts.

It seems that it shouldn’t be so difficult; difficult meeting GREAT guys and falling in love. It can be easier, but it does take something.
What it takes.

“Being in Love is the most mature and realistic thing you can do. Being in love energizes your life, fills you with positivity, creates generosity and makes every moment beautiful!”     -Zen and the Art of Falling in Love

Find the greatness in YOU first.

I’ve been in the performing arts world for several years and I’ve witnessed what actors and musicians go through to get that break they’ve been working so hard for and I am here to share a little niblet of wisdom with you. It has NOTHING to do with luck. These artists who spend countless hours, days and years at honing their craft, working on inner conflicts and getting in front of the right people, are the ones who eventually claim great success.

Not only that, but showing up for an audition or interview is only half the climb. They need to be as present as possible; leaving all of their baggage at the door and making space for allowing the moment to be the moment and nothing more.

It’s quite obvious that these people care a great deal about their profession and they’re amazing at it too.

Carve out a path for yourself and call it, My Greatness Path and start exploring the things that make you you. What makes you great and what can you do to make yourself greater? The first step towards honing your greatness is by resolving some of those inner conflicts that have taken refuge in your heart.

Until next time…

Your friend,

Greg Halpen

My love–hate relationship with New York…and myself…and how I’m breaking the pattern.

Ah, New York. I love that city. And hate it. Love–hate: that sums it up. Right now I’m upstate, to where historically I’ve retreated from the fear and shame that rises in me whenever I’ve lived in New York for long, just like the heat rises from those gritty streets on torrid summer days…and you wish someone would open up a hydrant so you could splash about in joy like a child…but then you realize life will never be as idyllic as in the movies. Indeed, for me, there was never any such relief in New York.

I hail from upstate, but the provincial hamlet in which I came of age had nothing to offer me, a gay boy trapped in an abusive household. As soon as high school wrapped, I headed to the Big Apple, dreaming big, but really, with no plan other than the idea of taking Broadway by storm as soon as possible.

I guess it’s no surprise that instead of immediately achieving stardom, I foundered. It seems I could take myself away from family drama, but I couldn’t help but repeat the same episodes that so scared me as a child. My parents had subjected to me the insecurity that comes from evictions and unemployment and constant conflict. While by relocating to the city I had removed myself to relative safety, I hadn’t quite learned how to take care of myself. In the constant moving, squatting, and near-evictions that followed, I recreated the drama I had meant to leave behind. I even managed to put myself in the way of an abuser. Again. This time he was a boyfriend.

Here is where I tell you there’s a point to this story. Why share this host of tragedies? Because I’ve come out the other side. And the tools I’ve accumulated and have used along the way can help you too. So let me tell you more.

Shame often ruled my life in New York. In my many arrivals and departures there, I started out full of hope and left when things were so bad that staying might have meant dying. As the city and my boyfriend beat me about, I went from fearless actor to fearful actor (indeed, scared to death of auditioning). The little confidence I had mustered at the start would devolve into shame over not being able to create safety, health, and wealth for myself. I was often jobless, and sometimes one fight with my boyfriend or one dollar or one day short of homelessness. This fed the shame, which in turn fed the fear, which in turn kept me from seeing each new challenge as an opportunity.

Wow, has my view of life changed. Back then, I didn’t see much reason for living. Now I have a mission: to teach gay men how to THRIVE in their love and life. Back then, fear and shame ruled my life. Now from challenges I create opportunity and joy. Back then, I didn’t feel I deserved health and safety. Now I make them a priority.

The last time I removed myself from New York City was three years ago and things were rough. But I left with a clear objective to return only once more, and for good. I love the city—it’s so full of opportunity, so vibrant and, when at its best, accepting. The city brings out the best and worst in people, so it is there that humanity has the best potential to shine. I want a life there for myself, next to the energy—the life-force!—that so much humanity in such a small space creates. Come next year, I’m making the move.

What is different this time for me and why will this be the time I make it work? I’ve learned to let go of fear and shame. I’m living in the moment. I’m mindful, and I can identify opportunities in difficult situations. I take care of myself: I know how to maintain financial solvency so I can always have a safe place of my own, and in terms of health, I have a medication and fitness regimen that I value and honor. I will arrive in New York this time with a social and financial safety net.

I have much more to share with readers about my journey and how my new tools have served me and can serve you too. Please stay tuned to learn The Evolution of Adam.

Adam