I have a feeling that you’re one of the most loving and giving guys someone could ever meet.

Perhaps, being a single gay man comes with a lot of stress and anxiety. You might worry that you will never meet someone and that being alone is the most painful feeling ever.

My Spidey senses are telling me, that you want more when it comes to love. You’re just longing to fall in love, care for your man, express your deep affection, and build a terrific life together. However, your integrity around dating might be a little shaky.

So, what gives?

Speaking of Spidey senses, I want to share a little life experience with you and maybe you can relate or maybe you can’t, but if you open up your heart, you will notice the lesson in it.

Along with coaching single gay men (and now coupled), I also volunteer working with little kids a few times a week and I keenly notice how they problem solve. It’s actually very fascinating.

Without too many mind-filters, they stay with the challenge until the challenge is solved and usually with joy and determination. If they’re REALLY struggling with a conflict, they seem to move on from it with lightening speed and then forget it ever happened. Point is, they don’t judge it and they never give up.

They are geniuses, mini-brilliant problem solvers and perhaps, somewhere along the line, you’ve lost touch with that part of yourself – your little inner genius and simply gave up trying to attain that amazing love life. You see, your dating integrity is what’s going to help you stick by your values and requirements. It’s the very thread that supports how confident and grounded you are.

When the Connection Has a Glitch!

One client, who has been partnered for five years, decided to go the route of “open” relationship – his justification? Sex drive lessens the longer you stay together and they want that consistent sex. Not only that, they have a set of strict rules they follow when they each meet someone they’re having sex with. The rules are put in place, so it doesn’t go deeper than just sex.

This sounds complicated PLUS adding more opportunities for unnecessary conflict, when the couple at hand can solve the sex dilemma themselves. Make sense? Also, I wont really say it here, but they are suffering in love big time with some of their life style choices. The truth is, sexual energy with your partner will change, because the relationship changes and undergoes many stages of growth.  Actually, your sexual relationship with your partner can evolve if you know what to do.

He was actually relieved when we spoke about this, because deep down inside, he really didn’t want an open relationship and thought their was no other alternative. Today, with my help, they are exploring different ways to spice up their love life while keeping the integrity of their relationship strong.

Get The Love Ball Rolling.

Speaking of INTEGRITY, 2010 is fast approaching. What are you willing do differently in your life TODAY to change the outcomes of your dating and love efforts? I mean something HUGE, that never seems to gets past the thought process. Which means you think about it, but never put it into action.

Maybe you want to get out in the dating world more and go on fearless dates. That means being present and open to what ever possibilities might show up for you. Also, it might mean exploring different ways to meet men, like, getting involved with local gay organizations, volunteering or simply striking up a conversation with someone who catches your eye.

If You Take Small Bites You Wont Get as Full.

No matter how you slice it, Make 2010 the year you changed things in your life that needed change – like Dating Integrity. Some of my single clients are taking their “bull” by the horns and making some huge leaps in what they want to do differently for 2010. I mean, HUGE! One client is leaving his J-O-B to go into web design business for himself. He wants to step up his dating integrity by making one of his dreams come true by not working for someone else. ever again.

In a last session, a client discovered why he was settling in love and decided that he wasn’t going to hide anymore behind his limiting beliefs about being gay, and is putting himself out there in ways, that would usually paralyze him. It all had to do with a decision he forgot he made when he was a kid. A decision that stemmed from a tragic moment in his young life.

He’s doing INCREDIBLE things now!

Need help clarifying what it is YOU want to attract next year? Your love life, for starters, might need some major attention and the only way you’ll make huge leaps is to pay attention to the areas of your life that aren’t working anymore. For more information about the course that is changing the lives of many a single gay guy, go here Bootcamps. Next Bootcamp Starts January 23rd and just for signing up I will give you a complimentary Dating Integrity Session.
Remember, dating integrity starts with YOU!

Greg Halpen

Doesn’t sound like I was resting much, does it?

Well, from college classes, to preschool work, to helping single gay men fine tune their dating and life challenges, AND taking my coaching practice to a whole new level for 2010, all things I am passionate about – this was supposed to be my day to rest, reload and recharge.

But I still wasn’t resting. Now, this is where you notice a theme…

I mean, we have our jobs, our careers, volunteer work, own a businesses, families, hobbies, the gym and our own personal conflicts that show up from time to time. We have health problems, emotional challenges and financial worries.

Wouldn’t you like to just turn it off for a day? Close down your thinking shop for a much needed rest?

I mean, REALLY, turn it off…

Let me ask you, what would your life look like, right now, if you could take a small break; a short reprieve from your day to day life, on a day to day basis?

You’re probably in shock right now RECLAIMING your belief that, it’s IMPOSSIBLE!  “I take vacations,” you shout!

I know. You take a much needed vacation from your hectic life. You take vacations, but are you really resting? You’re touring, eating out and seeing the sites. You make a huge list of stuff to do on vacation. THE LIST – the list that helps you get organized, yet, at the same time holds you to enormous pressure to get it ALL done!

We never seem to escape those to do lists, right? I hear lots of people say that they could use a vacation from their vacation. No matter how hard we try to take a break, we’re not breaking where it really counts.

Besides, we take a week or two off, to “rest” and its back to the same grind. So, where’s the time for dating and networking to meet eligible men, and is there a way to bring a micro-vacations to your everyday life?

What I’m getting at, is about carving out a niche each day. Maybe to write in a journal (good time to start one), meditate, spend time in the park walking your dog, going hiking – doing something where you can be with your thoughts and breathe. Breathe, dammit, breathe!

When the roses stop growing.

I know, it’s easy to get caught up in life’s “stuff “and completely forget about smelling the roses – they do smell amazing – they do! When you DO stop to smell the roses, you’re still texting, talking on the cell phone, thinking about the argument you had a week ago, what you’re having for dinner and what it be like to have a boyfriend. I do it all the time, but what I don’t do is forget what it takes to turn it off and seek joy in the stillness of it all- it makes a world of difference.

We are constantly recycling thoughts.

As you know, I help single gay men discover their life’s purpose as well helping them heal from emotional pain. The work is rewarding, and the guys I help, walk away with a new lease on life and love. It blows my mind.

Yes, my title is Dating Expert, however, let’s face it, I can give you all the valuable advice, tips and secrets to meeting your true love, but if you are not loving yourself FIRST, the tools I offer, aren’t going to help you too much. Make sense?

The first step to loving yourself is taking a break. Clearing away the things in your life that are taking up room and things that you are not 100% passionate about. Know you have a choice. You have a choice to go from “I don’t know why I am meeting the same guys and going on bad dates to I am attracting the men I want to date into my life and dating has never been so fun as it is NOW!”

Live, laugh, REST!

Your friend,

Greg Halpen

The Gay Guy’s Love Coach

Then I got really curious about WHY their relationships are complicated and WHY they were sharing that for all of the Facebook world to see.

Was it a cry for help or a badge of honor?

So I asked.

Through my curiosity I found each situation to be unique in many ways, however there’s ONE element that stuck out like a sore thumb. These folks weren’t being true to themselves and would rather put up with a one-sided relationship than building a relationship that was 50/50. Most of the guys I spoke with either lived with someone who they’re in love with, but the feelings weren’t mutual or they’re in a relationship and the relationship was open while one of the partners wasn’t ok with it.

I dug a little deeper by asking myself. “What makes people stay in situations or relationships that are not serving them anyone in a good way. Like a  relationship where each partners inspires, motivates and knocks one another socks off?”

Your self-esteem engine needs some maintenance: You’re truly an amazing guy, but your self-esteem folded somewhere along the lines. You may be rockin’ in your careers, but for some reason, when it comes to your love life, the only think rockin’ is your hurting heart. So, begin boosting your self-esteem by sincerely asking yourself,  “Is This Really What I Want?”  Once you take a good look at yourself it’ll likely be a NO answer and you’ll soon realize that life is way too precious to let pass by being in painful relationships.

There’s More to it Than Meets the Eye: I know, you have your ‘”reasons” why. I’m sure you’re defending them right now. Many of these guys have woken up realizing they have been letting years pass being in an uneven relationship, but by the time they do they’re stuck in something so deep that they don’t know what to do. That’s when the messiness really starts to happen as you do everything you can to keep things from totally falling apart. Are those reasons life threatening? Will you wither up and die if you let go of a bad relationship or is it really fixable and you just don’t know how to fix it. A lot of times it’s only a matter of learning how to communicate and ask for what you need and want. That’s it!

You left along time ago: Sorry to say it but it’s true. You checked out of this relationships as soon as things got really tough and I mean tough for the 2nd, 3rd and fourth time. We’re human. We try to do what we think is best for ourselves and our partner and part of that might be that you settle to much.

Well, guys, it’s time to take some personal inventory and either really take a good look and see if your relationship can flourish or needs to close. I know you are defending your man or your “reasons” why, but the bottom line is, if It’s broken, you better damn well try to fix it or get a new one. Get support, talk to friends and seek professional advice before you make any decision. Ultimately, start looking out for numero uno, YOU – because you’re worth it. And no, it has nothing to do with being a Cover Girl either ; )

Until next time…

Your friend,

Greg Halpen

My love–hate relationship with New York…and myself…and how I’m breaking the pattern.

Ah, New York. I love that city. And hate it. Love–hate: that sums it up. Right now I’m upstate, to where historically I’ve retreated from the fear and shame that rises in me whenever I’ve lived in New York for long, just like the heat rises from those gritty streets on torrid summer days…and you wish someone would open up a hydrant so you could splash about in joy like a child…but then you realize life will never be as idyllic as in the movies. Indeed, for me, there was never any such relief in New York.

I hail from upstate, but the provincial hamlet in which I came of age had nothing to offer me, a gay boy trapped in an abusive household. As soon as high school wrapped, I headed to the Big Apple, dreaming big, but really, with no plan other than the idea of taking Broadway by storm as soon as possible.

I guess it’s no surprise that instead of immediately achieving stardom, I foundered. It seems I could take myself away from family drama, but I couldn’t help but repeat the same episodes that so scared me as a child. My parents had subjected to me the insecurity that comes from evictions and unemployment and constant conflict. While by relocating to the city I had removed myself to relative safety, I hadn’t quite learned how to take care of myself. In the constant moving, squatting, and near-evictions that followed, I recreated the drama I had meant to leave behind. I even managed to put myself in the way of an abuser. Again. This time he was a boyfriend.

Here is where I tell you there’s a point to this story. Why share this host of tragedies? Because I’ve come out the other side. And the tools I’ve accumulated and have used along the way can help you too. So let me tell you more.

Shame often ruled my life in New York. In my many arrivals and departures there, I started out full of hope and left when things were so bad that staying might have meant dying. As the city and my boyfriend beat me about, I went from fearless actor to fearful actor (indeed, scared to death of auditioning). The little confidence I had mustered at the start would devolve into shame over not being able to create safety, health, and wealth for myself. I was often jobless, and sometimes one fight with my boyfriend or one dollar or one day short of homelessness. This fed the shame, which in turn fed the fear, which in turn kept me from seeing each new challenge as an opportunity.

Wow, has my view of life changed. Back then, I didn’t see much reason for living. Now I have a mission: to teach gay men how to THRIVE in their love and life. Back then, fear and shame ruled my life. Now from challenges I create opportunity and joy. Back then, I didn’t feel I deserved health and safety. Now I make them a priority.

The last time I removed myself from New York City was three years ago and things were rough. But I left with a clear objective to return only once more, and for good. I love the city—it’s so full of opportunity, so vibrant and, when at its best, accepting. The city brings out the best and worst in people, so it is there that humanity has the best potential to shine. I want a life there for myself, next to the energy—the life-force!—that so much humanity in such a small space creates. Come next year, I’m making the move.

What is different this time for me and why will this be the time I make it work? I’ve learned to let go of fear and shame. I’m living in the moment. I’m mindful, and I can identify opportunities in difficult situations. I take care of myself: I know how to maintain financial solvency so I can always have a safe place of my own, and in terms of health, I have a medication and fitness regimen that I value and honor. I will arrive in New York this time with a social and financial safety net.

I have much more to share with readers about my journey and how my new tools have served me and can serve you too. Please stay tuned to learn The Evolution of Adam.

Adam

If it were only that easy!

What a self-help book IS:
An effective self-help book helps you to recognize that change is possible.
They help you think about things differently, do things differently, improve your actions, and change your life. An effective self-help book encourages a person to change their circumstances or behavior and tells them how.

What a self-help book is NOT:

Not all self-help books give sound advice. Some give advice that is not presented in a clear and simple format, and they do not give supported answers for how to change your circumstances. They make claims that are responsible for promoting false hope.
So, to give you some support in finding the right book for you and using it correctly, I have provided the 3 Big Tips you can use NOW when learning from self-help books.

Big Tip #1 – Do the research for the self-help book that is right for you. You’re randomly picking and choosing, and probably out of desperation, in hopes that your problems will be solved right away. Do the research. What answers are you looking for? What experts are prominent in the issues you need resolving? Get recommendations.

Big Tip #2 - You need to apply the tools and principles to your own life NOW. After reading for a while you start to feel the author is really speaking to you. It’s all making sense and you GET IT! You feel changed just by reading it. Then after the buzz wears off you get even more frustrated that your issues are still there.  Try this: It’s simple, but NOT easy. After each chapter, apply the tools offered, to your life RIGHT AWAY. Doing this consistently, you will start to see results over time.

Big Tip #3 – Go the extra mile and seek out different support outlets. You’ve convinced yourself that you have to do it alone with self-help materials. No one has to do anything alone, especially when it comes to changing painful behaviors. Seek the support systems that will help maximize the results you desire. There are a few ways you can get support while learning from your book.
1.  Start a discussion group in your home with other people who are reading the same book.
2.  Hire a life coach to help you implement the book’s strategies while helping you stay accountable. Like I mentioned earlier, applying tips, strategies and advice right away is the perfect way to see change happen.
3.  Start a discussion on Facebook.

Let’s recap: When choosing the right self-help materials that will eventually lead you on the path to serious life lasting changes and to make those deep-to-the-core breakthroughs, remember this: Get the self-help materials that are right for you, practice principles and exercises everyday in your life and get support.

Also, remember, none of this is easy. It takes time, willingness and the perseverance to change the things you need to change in your life.

YOU CAN DO IT!

I LOVE storms!

Then all of a sudden….

P stormed into my room, like some frantic house wife who couldn’t find her bottle of pills — demanding the computer to email our landlord about a leak in the ceiling. You see, last night it stormed pretty severely and it flooded a small portion of P’s bedroom upstairs that made it’s way downstairs into the living room.

Me? I can sleep through almost anything. It’s a gift, what can I say?

Now, as I tried to keep my cool and channeled everything I learned in therapy, I blew a major gasket.

Now, it isn’t rocket science, but what happens when someone, who is in a deep sleep, and then suddenly jolted into chaos?  Now–call me split personality crazy, but shouldn’t he have called her? Shouldn’t he have realized, while screaming that I was inconsiderate, that calling Diana or waiting to email in the morning would have been a better idea? OR better yet, that I need some wake up space? Yes, water was coming in, but is it cause such nastiness?

Well, his argument was, it was midnight and too late to call the landlord. Um….HELLO!!

It’s not that I was being inconsiderate. When I sleep, I sleep deeply and when woken up it takes me a little while to collect myself or even coherently function. So, when I asked P. if he could take the computer outside is when he started to throw attitude, remarks and comments.

It went something like this:

P: Muah Muah Muah Mauh

Greg: It’s ok. calm down. stop yelling at me.

P: Muah Muah Muah Mauh

Greg: (get’s out of bed and follows Pete to the hallway) Ok – P, what happened?

P’s Mom: Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah WATER Blah Blah and you Blah Blah

Greg: Oh – now two people are yelling at me? ( I turn around, walk back into my room and slam the door off it’s hinges)

Finally, I sat at the edge of my bed, took in some long deep breathes until pooch and I found our rhythm and fell back to sleep.

Moral of the story?

Never wake me up like that again becasue I wont take any prisoners!